Peekaboo!! im back ^^ well, i have a fun holiday and i love it. and i have went out with my parents agn ^ life is just so relax at that moment and now everything turn the other way round.. and hmm. yea i came back from HK and gotten my N level results. and the result is like not my result? becos is seriously poor until.. you wont wanna take a look at it. but i didnt gv up on that time. i know that i still can get into ite.. so i applied for it. and the out come was, i gotten into mechatronics.. as you should know, im someone that dosent like engineering and i dun even have interested in it and idw to be in it for my life. i was totally shocked and lost at the point of time.. its like end of the world? and i really dk what to do.. went to ask for help and,yea.. i have to accept and so that i have a place in ite and appeal for the course i wan.. its no choice. and i really really wish that i can get into business services and when i get into higher nitec and i change to another course. i wan learn from the start from the basic. i really dw to get into mechatronics and when i get into higher nitec and appeal for the course and it has no link with it.. worried for days and nites.. cried infront of my mum for the first time when i saw the sch fees. its like i cant study in sg anymore. but im not. becos i know our situations rite now.. we have to move house, its a must, not our choice. we have to pay a big sum of money and its alr a headache and here come a sch fee with double or triple of singaporean. it totally shocked me, its like im a burden to my parents.. where can we even get so much money? its like forcing us back to malaysia. i felt so lost, stress out, i have no idea where i can even stand in singapore.. im a PR, im not sg priority. i go back malaysia and im also not malaysia priority.. and now i wanted to be singaporeans parents say they maynot even wan me.. its like im at no where. i gotten into courses that idw and i have no idea what job i can do with this courses. im really really depress.. what if i come out and work and i dun earn much when i learn this course? what if i cant even support myself? how can i even support my parents? dose their hard work gone to waste just like that? i cant see my future in mechatronics becos i totally have no interest in it.. how can i even make it through? does anyone feel me? i have no idea.. im really really depress until i really feel like ending my life all at once but i cant.. another reason i wanna get into business is also you.. what if there are girls who are better then me? what if one day you get sick and tired of me and find that other girls are better than me? are we gonna end our relationship this way? we went through so much and you was always here for me. what if one day i wake up and you wasnt here anymore? i cant even imagine or think of it. it will just hurt me so much that i really have no idea what should i do when you are gone?.. just hope that my luck is really that good enough that i got into business course and i will really work hard on my gpa and change into singaporean and at least not to be a burden to my parents anymore.. you know how aching it was to look at them working so hard for me and i cant even get into the course that i wan and let them see me felt so depress and lost.. its like they cant even help it but they can just talk to me about it.. the sch fees is getting higher and higher once i get to study higher. can we even survive in sg i also have no idea..

seriously, why you always dk what i want? everything happen and happen agn and agn. you always nvr failed to understand. why? am i really that hard to understand? i was wondering, do you really understand me after so long? my style, the way i react, what i always do, how weak am i, and stuffs. or is it like what they say, i nvr change is just that you nvr take the effort to get to know me. look, after so long i know you so well. what about your understanding of me to you? when shi ting and anna went to look for jobs with out me, i told you; no one cares about me, im just nth. and you told me im something to you. but when you say your friend is coming to find job with us, i didnt reply you becos i was talking on the phone. and without saying a single word about how i feel, shi ting even know that i dun wan her to come. not to reject her from coming, i keep quiet. and you say you are meeting her in the morning . and during the afternoon, becos she say she wanna go to work in that job, without asking me i wanna work there anot and you walked in. becos i didnt go in and say idw to work at there its my fault. alright is my fault.. what about what you have told me that day? working with ME. now you are telling me you gonna work with her cos you dun wanna dump her alone, so i gave in. becos you say she was ALONE. your friend is ALONE. so i really decided to gv in by saying my friends were working there and i will be fine WITHOUT you. and you can happily reply me; you dun fall for them can alr. im really really really disappointed. becos you dw your friend to be alone you can dump your gf. which guy out there will dump his gf alone? i seriously dun get it.. i know by saying this im being selfish. i will be fine without you in this job. i will be fine. and im really not fine. i hate to lie to myself but i really had enough of this. i should just wake up from my own world. this is reality, no on will care about you no matter what, if you really need to gv in what is your and it hurts you so much, then just gv in and walk alone. i can walk this through by myself. i no need anyone's help. no matter how weak am i,i can get it through by myself. just do whateva you wan. becos i always wont get what i wan, so what if i got it? it will still turn out to be others. others can always take over my place that easily. i will nvr be that important to anyone else. sometimes ppl can just hurt me directly without caring how i feel. what can i do is give in what i have to cheer others up. in order not to let others think that im selfish or dun care about their feeling. they can even hate you when you do all these stuffs.. no matter how much you gv in, once you did wrong something, you are a bad person. this world is really unfair. you cant even argue back becos you will nvr win no matter what. even if you explain, they will take that as an excuse and push all the blame on you. so no point. i have learn a hard way to live my life.. no point.. no point..

what can i say? what can i do? im so fucking piss off to the max that i can do everything to destroy myself. what i say wasn't right. although it was rite, YOU DUN CARE. ALRIGHT YOU DUN CARE. AND IM OVER HERE SO FKING PISS OFF AND FKING CARE ABOUT WHAT IS FKING HAPPENING AND THIS IS FKING IRRITATING. everything happen agn and agn, im sick and tired. sick and tired of everything that keep on happening agn and agn. you knew everything. you knew how would i react. you knew that im sensitive. you knew it all you knew i cant take this. but why? why it keep on happening. i seriously started to be more and more afraid that one day when i wake up and you wasnt here anymore. i was so scare that history will happen agn. im really really afraid. i cant feel secure myself. i cant. i kept on telling myself you wont leave. yes you wont. that is also what i told myself that time. and you leaved me 3 times. hanging over there 3 times. how afraid i am. and i was hoping you wont say the word "leave" at that point of time. i was only wishing that you could stay as a friend. but end up what happen? you said it all out. i tried my best to stay you by my side over and over agn when i know im alr breaking apart. im dying inside. im just killing myself by doing that. but i just wont gv up on letting you stay. and when i was doing all this. you over there adding salt into my wound and tearing my scar wider. saying ppl cheered you up and all sort of stuffs. at that point i was wondering how heartless can you be.. and you told me you wanna leave the next day. what have i done wrong? i really hate it that she can be there when im not. YOU ARE WILLING TO GO TO HER LET HER SEE YOUR FACE AND THERE YOU ARE PUSHING ME AWAY..and you can say that you love me. THIS IS JUST SO UNFAIR..how unfair can this world be? i kept everything to myself. i kept it all to myself. when i alr know i couldn't take it. i cant even cry in front of my friends. im afraid they will be worrying about me. when we got back together,you called me stop crying. it wont happen agn. but what happen rite now? agn it happen. and it got worst this time..yes you rejected. but there is still evidence, eye witness.. you can explain, you can say everything you have done was a misunderstanding.. but what would everyone thinks? i can believe you i can trust you. i can. but will anyone who alr love someone and another with stead doing that in public? you can im too sensitive or what. she even dare you to tell me what has happened. and you hide it from me for days..im happy that you told me about it.. but i just cant accept the facts. you told me you dun care about her feelings. you dun care what she is doing, she is saying, everything about her. but have you realize she have alr gotten your attention? you can say about her everywhere you go. she can even call you anytime. as a friend.. remember that day we are skyping? you told me your books is with her.. and i was thinking yea, maybe as friends. when she called you while we are skyping, you was laughing so happily? im just so jealous and dying inside. you have nvr done that when we are on phone..the next day you say agn your other books is with her.. what is this?..and then you told me you both do those stuffs and she dun wan you to tell me that time, you really really hurt me hard.. you are just taking a knife and stab into my heart..im really really just so afraid.. i have no idea what can i do.. now you can tell her everything about you. saying what she has told you in front of everyone. when everyone dk who is that but i know. i know who are you saying. when i told them about it, they know exactly know how i feel. they know about her feelings too. and yet all you said was, you dun care.. dun care?.. are you kidding me? im so so so so afraid that i will lose you agn. i felt so unprotected. i cant take what will happen next.. am i gonna gv in what is mine agn? i have to gv in to see a happy face? like how it was used to be? gv in everything i have to make everyone happy? will i have to let go of someone agn? will someone leave agn? im feeling so unimportant agn. and i hate to feel this way..why? why all this always happen? what have i done wrong? or am i just so useless that everyone dw me anymore? can someone tell me what have i done? i just can stop the fear of losing someone like how i lose them last year.. am i that annoying? im useless in your life? you dw me anymore? becos someone took over my place? someone can cheer you up better and i cant? is it? you wan me to leave alr me because you are sick and tired of me? im really really cant afford to hear all this.. im so afriad that one day you will come to me and say all those stuffs. afraid that one day you will say you have alr forgotten me, forgotten everything we have, forgotten what i have done for you.. idw everything to turn into ashes..im really really afriad. and i have to idea what can i do or say anymore. i really really dk. maybe, maybe.. im just too sensitive. or maybe things just be better when it comes to me..

so long since i come back. actually i wanted to post starting of this year. but you know what? it keep having problems and hmm. wanted to update everyday but life is somehow boring due to N level. Hais. went back to primary school today. teacher never change and saw only a few familiar faces. everyone didn't go back anymore. and its not like as crazy as how we used to be. sometimes really wish that we can turn back times. they are just so wonderful yet hurtful. but if you think carefully of it, they are just stupid little jokes. because we are just so childish at that time. time pass so fast and in a blink of eye we grew so much and we have changed a lot. and soon enough we will be working :o i feel it weird when i saw you.. it cant be explained. it just feel so weird and i have no idea what kind of feeling is it. and comment sense you wont feel the same of cos. it just so so so weird! well, just let it be. you guys know what? my primary school teachers are still the same. they are just so cute. And primary school friends are still that funny. somehow cant stop laughing at their stupid jokes. primary school changed alot ._. and they are changing soon agn. i guess school will be much more nicer next year. A lot shit happen this year and it really sux. and im seriously break apart.. i gotten a new job at esplanade during June holliday ^^ working is fine? somehow? i really wanna say that i enjoy it but i hate those people over there? especially the fay ass! he is just so freaking annoying and what he do is just god dam irritating. the guy who i like? yea like as a friend. i just somehow started to dislike him in someways alr. you guys know what? i really cant stand it you know? he is just.. so flirt? he can tell my uncle that he have alr gotten a new gf and he know her from some online chat or web? he got the guts to stare at me while working! DAFUG?! hello, didnt say you gotten a gf and yet you still stare at other girls while your stead is not with you? what a guy that flirts.. should i say i pity your gf or should i say you should make up your mind? like seriously.. i cant stand this kind of guy sia. okay, give up on work place. relationship.. should i say this is good or what? it just makes me feel suxy. quarreling. fighting and stuffs. i seriously got enough of all this bull shit. or should i say because its the wrong person? like what my teacher say. because girls are way too sensitive. look at us. it is like totally madness.. you are as sensitive as a girl. head as stubborn as a boy. what the heck should i do? i really wish you have a freaking girl mindset and have a boy heart? because im somehow really tired of your sensitive? its just way too fking strong and its killing me. i believe that to me i maybe just hiding behind you rite now. because i dun think this is what i wan sometimes. sometimes i really wonder have i had enough. when am i leaving? im really thinking of this question so badly. because im not ready to go back to guys i guys? because they are just way too bastard sometimes. they are just so sweet and caring at times and it feel really good. i learn alot from this relationship because it different and you get to know how you yourself are that ma fan? girls are just so ma fan at times which make guys cant stand. in this relationship i cant just think of a gf i have to think of a bf too and its tiring at times. i really feel like running away from it. because i cant really stand. maybe because when i look at him i think of those things and i got that feeling? but do you know that it somehow hurts alot. someone who used to be so god dam nice to you and always be there by your side now is gone and have alr become others? when you think of it it is just so hurtful. when you are famous they are not. when you are not famous they are just so god dam hell famous. its funny isnt it? hmm. yea, i wish i can turn back time because at those times im really happy. now im just so tired? idk why. maybe because im tired of repeating myself. tired of expressing myself. tired to tell others what i wan. tired of saying so much. i just want someone who understand me. know what i want. know what im thinking. give me things without me asking. telling me stuffs or doing stuffs that i dun need to ask..im just somehow tired.

Finally i think all over again and i think coming back is the best choice. i wont wanna see this blog dying agn(: i will try to make myself update :P hmm, where should i start? ._. lets start from yesterday? yesterday was a quite tired day :\ i went out for swimming with Anna,Charissa, Clara and Geng Hong :o having fun there (: after swimming we saw red bull lorry :x Anna: Eh,look! Red Bull lorry lea! the red bull so big size, go take and drink. After awhile Stranger: Hi,we are giving out sampler do you guys wanna try? Me: Er..*turn to anna and clara* wan try?o.o Anna: Er,hmm.. Clara: Ouh,okay. After that we took a photo with them and we are going home. After we have left the stadium, Clara and Geng Hong when to take bus at the opposite bus stop. Me and Anna when to buy bread and then when to 99 bus stop and waited for bus. At nite, i studies for SS like wad sia :< and i regret drinking red bull becos i felt abit giddy after that? and i can't concentrate and it is hard for me to memories what is on that paper :( I studied since 7.30 to 11. Early in the morning rushed to sch and i sweat like hell :\ i saw agnes on 99 bus and i tried my best to walk as fast as i can and i saw her agn outside the school gate :\ when i reach sch,  the bell has alr rang :( when for morning assembly and i saw Raushan :P Me: Daddy! Recess time come find me :> Raushan: For? Me:*Evil smile* After assembly, when up to R4 to find Agnes's pencil box. When she got it back,lots of her pens and her calculator when missing and she have no idea who took it becos she left it in she and she didn't took it back home. After that when for English lesson. Agnes is really in a bad mood and i really have no idea how to cheer her up at that time. Me: Wa, your pencil box is like when we primary 1 with so less pens sia. Agnes: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!! After awhile, she think of her calculator she started to get angry. Agnes:*throwing pen into her pencil box* Me & Shi Ting: *looking at her* Agnes:* accidentally throw her things out of the pencil box and it bounce off her table and directly aimed at chee xian's butt* Me & Shi Ting : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is seriously crazy sia :\ After that is F&N i didnt even bring my textbook and file all thx to Chee Xian for telling me that today is cooking :_: When up to com lab 4 and use internet really bored. After 30 minutes started to have work to do. But seriously, the class is boring norh. But when i used Google to search for answer for the question, it came out rubbish question like: High protein in urine, somethings related to Obama and Frogs? WTS is this? ._. I call Agnes to see what came out and there she was laughing like a crazy women over there :\ After F&N went to SS for exams :\ I'm so nervous becos i really really scare that i cant scored good marks. When i stepped into the class, Charissa: there, another who memories everything. HAHAHAHAHAHA, wth :P i really dun have enough time to write finish the SEQ and i ruin my Utility question :< hope i wont score bed result :o After SS i called Shi Ting to accompany me to go to 3/2 to pass Raushan present since tmr is his birthday (: When i'm outside the class, i saw En En standing at the back door so i went to join her :P Mr Andy Lim is still the same, foreva and always waiting for everyone to be ready he then release everyone. So i waited outside :o It is like finally he release them. So i went up to Raushan and gave him his birthday present. Me: Happy B'day (: Raushan: Woooo!!! Shi Ting: * trying to say happy b'day* But guess what? Raushan keep shouting and Shi Ting cant even tell him happy b'day :o HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! daddy is crazy :\ Went back to class and put our bags down and went down for recess and we saw Raushan,Firdaus and Luqman agn :o Shi Ting: happy b'day. Raushan: Thank you. *to me* Thank you for your present. After recess when to class 3/4 and it is like having party over there :o everyone is in there having fun ^^ hahahahahaha. after that went back to class and Have SEL lesson. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Saw Mr Seow dancing gangnam style, LMAO! he is really really dam funny! Then need do teacher's day card but i didnt do larh, too lazy to do :\ after sch went to 7-11with Agnes and Anna and when we come out we have no place to eat and we saw Raushan and Firdaus so we went there to eat :o And we talk with them over there ^^ After that went back to sch and slack awhile and went back home (:

yea. i'm back. im not living well..wad am i to you? when you are happy you call me come when you dun need me you push me away.. im living very terrible with a very terrible feeling with me.. I need a heart to heart talk with you badly. I know that it wont happen now, becos you are ignoring me,speechless to me. And i'm running away and avoiding him. morning first one i saw is you. when i dun wanna see until you,you came out. you come out at the time when i wanna give up. when im ready to go you pull me back and ignore me, giving me pain and when i wanna go,you wanna did everything all over agn? i asked myself the whole day today. Am i tired of loving you? Am i ready to give up? Will i be happier without you? Am i able to change the bad habit of disturbing you when I'm bored? The answer is; i not tired of loving you,becos i'm not ready to give up,no ready to live without you,i cant be happier without you,i cant change the bad habit. i tried my best. Am i able to move on with this kind of feelings? i know time heals but what if it dosen't heals? What if my love just grew strong? What if everything changes and my feelings for you just wont change? What am i suppose to do? Remember 2nd February? That's is when we met. We met during PE lesson. That is when we are taking height and weight. you are wearing your shoes and I'm trying to call you go away and not to listen to our weight. And you are so blur and cute at that moment<3 you are not even angry. No to make you mood swing,i said hi to you and you are still blur :D hahahahaha,nth can describe your cuteness. you are the cuties guy i have ever met. 3 Feb we started to call each other. At first thinking that it was fun and i didn't expect myself to fall in love with you. 6 Feb i still treat it as a joke and i started to ask ppl for your number and wanna disturb you. And i didt get your number and started to sms you and disturb you. At first you are so fed up and when you know it was me you started you laugh :) And you told me that you will message me the next day and we did message each other the next day <3 Because it was F&N and becos it was in the morning I'm bored and i was about to fall asleep so i smsed you and just becos of replying my message your phone almost go confiscated. You call me crazy girl for no reason. and i have no idea why you called me that -.- You gave me excuse said that you are bored even you are with your friend.i know you are not,you are just trying to sms me. And your mood suddenly changed at nite and i didnt disturb you that nite. The next day becos of worrying about you,i didnt sleep well at nite and i sleep during class. You sms me and call me to wake up. That moment i was really angry becos i going to fall asleep and someone message me. But i saw your message i smiled. Try my best to keep myself awake. And just becos of that i caught you eating sweets in class and i called you not to throw sweet wrapper on the floor and you said you wont. And i saw sweet wrapper on the floor and i said to you " see got wrapper" and you smile back at me and said "no i throw one" then someone throw all the sweet wrapper on the floor and called me to be his maid and you laughed at me. you know how angry am i? after sch i treat nth has happen but im still angry and you still able to laugh. yea, you are a cheerful and daring prince. That's why i love you. i made your mood swing after that. And im really really sry about it. I still can remember how i felt that nite. I'm really lost that nite. Baby,I'm really sry about that :( Tried to pull myself up in the morning to see your pretty face,see your smile. But wad i saw was a moody face. I called you to smile and you did :) After seeing your smile I'm too relax and started to feel sleepy and i went to sleep agn and you message me not to sleep agn :) And that's when we sms until midnite and i dun wanna leave my phone. you called me to go to your house and i said i dun wanna go becos i'm lazy to go out. Morning you are sooo sleepy and it is my turn to take my revenge >:) i smmed you and hahahahaha,you woke up :P And it was my first time staying back in sch just to see a guy; that was you, the only one in my life. Next day i wanted to disturb you but you are far away :0 so i gave up. And i said "bored" this word out and i got my punishment. And that day i went home,my house temper i no very good and i got a bad feeling. you cherr me up by saying thing will goes wrong. you chat with me and make me smile and i know that everything i gonna be alright. And i called you at nite :) Then night i cant go sleep and remember? you are the one who free me. you are the one who called me to go and sleep. Next day you are trying to sleep and we called you. And you are not angry at all. You agree to let me go swimming with that crazy patrick -.- and i was really really angry. Then Nvm. you went crazy with him. you came to my house here. It was the first and last time bah? hais.. i called you and i ask you " where are you?" you answer "idk" me "your there got wad?" you " my here got nothing" <-- purposely? then you came here and smoke. 13 feb,you didnt message me. i remember what you said "idk what to reply" 14 feb i disturb you becos it was valentine's day. television was your girlfriend that day (: And that nite i went to your house playground. It was cold down there. Really really cold down there. patirck's portable charger was missing. You are sleepy. I kept quite over there listening to song over and over agn. looking at you; you look so tired..Your eyes are so red. You was caught to go cut hair and you didnt cut your hair you when there to walk around. hahahaha! bad boy. That day someone wanted to throw your bag down and i told you and you tell me you dun care. hahahahahahaha! What if you see until your bag drop down from the sky? you still dun care? :) Next day is when i make up my mind. PE lesson you came to me and asked me for my paper and i gave it to you. And you wrote "_____ is handsome" <-- not writting the name down. So thick skin arh! And remember the quarrel between the two of us? hahahaha!! it was funny :) i told you "saranghae" that day and i really really mean it. you may think i was joking at that time, but im serious. 21 feb everything changed, we like become closer to each other. becos of the old folks home? you send me "baby,i love you" you said that it was a dare but you kept sending me over and over agn. At nite you asked me who is that guy i like and i say i dun wanna say. The next day you i got my punishment becos i said that word and i need to be punish and i really shouted "_____ is handsome" omg sia -.- after sch you told me that girl is me and i was very happy and you said you dun wanna be in a relationship. The next day you hit my hair for no reason :@ evil. The next day i stay back in sch as normal just to see you :D But you look moody that day. remember? i smsed you to smile and not to be moody :) Things goes wrong the Next monday, you look scary that day T^T really scary. you scolded me and said that im noisy. And you stared at me like I'm in the wrong? As if you hate me alot. hais.. The next day you scolded someone for no reason. why are you so angry and fed up? why? T^T You said you miss me the next day on fb. <-- I'm still wondering is it me.. i was happy when i saw that,really happy :) 2 march you are so childish,teach is already very angry and you went up to the stage and jump! act cute >< <-- is very cute la. jump then nvm,saw teacher's face black black then come down and smile at me. hahahahahaha!! everything bad happen all over agn on the 5 march.. sch reopen and we are still happy with each other but now.. has your feelings towards me has fated? have you got tired of me? Are you speechless towards me like wad you said in the past? I really still cant imagine what am i gonna be when i lose you. Even as a friend i also dun wanna lose you. But, there's no other choice rite now :( Pls,i beg you. just let me see your smile once over again. Just let me see that you are happy every single day. Hear you laughter everyday. That's what i'm asking for. Today is the last message i'm sending to you; Baby,i love you(:

I'm back..ps no time post I'm in Malaysia rite now.. Very tired but can't fall asleep -.- btw,happy white valentine ^^ guess wad? I know him for 1 month and 12 days.. Im missing him badly.. Every time I'm not happy you wasn't here.. Everytime I'm really really sad over something,you just pop out in my dreams and cheer me up..I know a lot of ppl find it wired that I fall in love for you..my cousin also find it wired.. They dun believe that I'm not in a relationship.. Everyone thinks that I'm in a relationship..to say the truth I remember everything about you clearly. When I'm up sad I thinks about our cuteness to cheer myself up. I'm afraid to lose you.even as friend. I wanna stay by your side. Seeing your smile,hearing your voice and your laugher. I wanna see you everyday day,hour,min,sec.. I dun wanna lose you.. Just dun wan to. I may not know what will happen next, but all I know is I wanna be by your side until the day you dun wan me to be by your side I will leave..but I promise I will be back if you needs me. Yea,I dream until you yesterday nite. You are just being sweet inside there :) remember how we met each other? We met during the pe lesson. You looks so blur and cute ^^ hahaha,got disturb by me and dun know how to react.. Day by day..day after day.. You guys started to play by calling "baby" but what ends up with? I calling you baby and you call me back baby. After that? You came to my house here late at night for no reasons.. I went to your house there for no reasons too.. You learnt what I have used o scold ppl. One sentence I have said and you leant it makes you so happy.. You are a cheerful boy. But my one sentence can make your mood change totally.. I remember that time, I really makes you moody and I can't fall asleep that nite.. Not only that nite is the whole week.. I felt really guilty.. Staring at me in class and get caught by me.. I stares at you during Chem test and you wink back at me. Our relationship is just friend. You tell others ppl wont believe. I love you,miss you. Other ppl know im in love.they still thinks that I have a boyfriend.i just dk how to say.. Just wanna know what will happen next after the school holidays.. Hopes nth bad happens..